Course Catalogue · Lesson No. II
CONF 204 · Department of ConfectioneryHow to Properly Suck on a Sucker
A rigorous treatment of unwrapping, rotation and the dignified dissolve. Prerequisite BRD 101, Bread, Untoasted.
Film Forthcoming
The lesson is in post-production. The Faculty asks for your patience.
Of all the confections known to science, few demand such patience, such discipline, as the humble sucker. Having mastered the untoasted slice, the student arrives at confectionery with a certain swagger. CONF 204 exists to remove it.
The sucker presents three distinct problems: the wrapper, the stick, and the sucker itself. Each is addressed in turn, and the Faculty asks that no step be attempted before the preceding one has been fully absorbed. The temptation to bite will be considerable. It is to be resisted, as the Institute resists most things.
This lesson is somewhat longer than its predecessor, following peer review.
Step I. Get a jar of suckers, all with wrappers.
Each one sealed in its wrapper, exactly as nature intended. Or rather, as the factory intended.
Step II. Pick your flavour.
A decision of great consequence. Choose wisely, for there is no going back.
Step III. Hold the stick.
Firmly, between finger and thumb. It is, after all, the handle of the entire operation.
Step IV. Unwrap the sucker.
Slowly, deliberately, the sweet is revealed.
Step V. Throw away the wrapper.
Tidiness, as ever, is a virtue, even in moments of great excitement.
Step VI. Look at your sucker.
A spiral of quite extraordinary colour. Few things in the kitchen are so beautiful.
Step VII. Open your mouth.
In quiet anticipation. Not too wide. One must retain a certain dignity.
Step VIII. Put the candy in your mouth.
Gently, now. There is no need to rush what has been so long awaited.
Step IX. Keep the stick outside.
This is essential. A sucker without its stick is merely a sweet.
Step X. Start sucking gently.
And now, the slow work begins. The true connoisseur never bites.
Step XI. Rotate the sucker a little.
A slight rotation ensures an even, dignified dissolve. Clockwise, or anticlockwise; the choice is entirely yours.
Step XII. Enjoy the flavour.
Close the eyes, if you must. This is a private moment.
Step XIII. Keep going until it gets smaller.
Minute after minute, the sweet grows noticeably smaller. Patience, as always, is rewarded.
Step XIV. Take out the stick when finished.
Its work is done. It may now retire, with honour.
Step XV. All done.
You have properly sucked a sucker, and the world is a little sweeter for it.